Heart in Your Hands

2009-09-17T15:13:00.000-07:00

the easiest thing for me to do right now: stay in chicago, freeze over, thaw, rinse & repeat

not looking for a scene

2009-07-01T11:06:00.000-07:00

November 12, 2008:

How interesting the simplicity in missing someone so much that (your blood flows through your veins in resistance to your resistance to not have this person in your life) you hardly notice how great the longing is.

When you do realize you will be overcome with emotion that you cannot properly title for it's much more than missing, longing, needing. It's sharp and immediate while painstakingly dull and commonplace.

How did you not notice this before? But surely it was always there, stuck to your ribs, padding along the soles of your feet, elongating your exhale ever so slightly.

And when this person enters your life once again (because they must; it is the nature of these palpitating things) you will be washed in a relief that your silent longing was not inappropriate at all, it was perhaps not strong enough for why weren't you so moved to do everything in your power and then some to bring this person back into your life? How were you so content in your longing? And are you satisfied now that the longing is worsening even while in their presence?

Because the inevitable that was not possible before this moment is drawing near. They will leave again. Yes, again.

July 1, 2009:

Ditto.

power lines in our bloodlines

2009-06-16T15:18:00.001-07:00

you would think that by now i would give up on this self-appointed mission. you would think that i've shed enough tears spontaneously and seemingly unprovoked, often in the presence of strangers, and that i would simply throw in the towel and claim it's for the better, if not the best. yeah, you would think. and maybe hope. but apparently my so-called resiliency has once again gotten the better of me, if not the best.

homecoming

2009-05-28T19:47:00.000-07:00

yeah. pretty sure this time. i'm talkin like, eighty-seven percent.

august, i'm on your side

2009-05-25T20:04:00.000-07:00

missouri means:

nights in backyards and back decks with fireflies and old friends

early mornings by the lake with my father

harmonizing with my little sister

playing frisbee with my dog

sing-a-longs on the front porch during a humid downpour

fresh eggs from the henhouse

bike rides through the woods

home brewed promises

breathing

laughing

living

loving

leaving?

this is the first time in four years of chicago when i wasn't ready to return there.

2009-05-16T16:04:00.000-07:00

i love you but i would leave town and expect you to not leave me.

i'm ready but my pockets say otherwise.

2009-05-11T14:29:00.000-07:00

you are my favorite part of me.

plans get complex

2009-04-18T11:50:00.000-07:00

you would think i love to have a crisis, as frequently as i have them.

things are going well but i am always anxious and never satisfied.

for example, on thursday i was in a preview of a play that i'm obsessed with, had to cab it to my first show with my new io harold team, then rushed to the premiere of a film i feel lucky to have been a part of.

sounds like things are coming together and my dreams are coming true, right?

so tell me why i'm currently planning on moving to missouri so i can save money, put together a writing portfolio, have a successful etsy store, learn guitar, write music, save money, save money, get a car and move to la.

yes, i could do these things without moving to missouri. so why i am not doing them?

i feel lost

2009-04-08T16:25:00.001-07:00

happy, the end

2009-03-30T09:37:00.001-07:00

they say the whole point of everything's the moving on.

2009-03-11T22:56:00.000-07:00

i have a little magic left in me

2009-03-06T02:28:00.000-08:00

for the first time in about a year, i am in the beginning of true, legitimate KA-RUSH.

this is the last thing i need/want/imagined.

head in the clouds like a number one fool.

my wild sweet love

2009-02-06T00:51:00.000-08:00

i tell ya what, stop writing in your drama blog and the drama will cease.

or. lose your habit of playing what if and your happiness will increase.

a year ago? i can't even imagine.

let the cool goddess rust away

2009-01-07T15:45:00.000-08:00

Here is a beautiful link for everyone sick and tired of this drama blog:

http://bigbones.tumblr.com

I'm almost 21 and a half.

It was time.

Moving the drama back to the stage.

historian

2009-01-04T11:36:00.000-08:00

i've been seeing my life in time lines.
i love to repeat.
i need to move forward in a way that isn't linear.
it's too easy to go back.

my parents divorced when i was five years old.
they remarried each other when i was thirteen years old.
let's not pontificate on the seven years of a childhood i had in between.
let's just talk about how completely in love they are now, over seven years later.

and then let's mention how i have never not returned to a love.
how i am the self-appointed queen of on-and-off again.
you should always extinguish a flame before leaving a room.
i'm looking forward to the darkness.

two thousand circle not a line

2008-12-31T13:12:00.000-08:00

it's going be okay.
starting now.

happy new year.
happy two thousand and gine,
two thousand take it as a sign,
two thousand i feel fine.

hooray!

we have all the time in the world here

2008-12-29T13:14:00.001-08:00

(that's a lie.)

i am living in number one anxiety panic world.
this is what I'm going to do:
-move back to Missouri, play music until my eardrums explode and then tour and sleep in cars
-move to LA and hate it but work really hard because of it
-move to NY and love it and be totally distracted but take up that internship opportunity with dream theatre
-travel all summer on a friend's charity and have my heart broken by children i can't save
-go to grad school for writing in sweden

not all of these things. maybe none of these things.
am i always so crazy this time of year?
am i always so crazy all times of year?

the moment i feel comfortable is the moment the panic begins.

content used to be my favorite color.

Phillip Seymour Hoffman visits the Manor

2008-12-27T11:45:00.000-08:00

"I know there are actors out there that present themselves as cool cats, but you better take your cool-cat suit off if you want to act. You can’t otherwise.”

pick up the pieces and go home

2008-12-20T11:35:00.000-08:00

I know this is the drama blog, but everything is too dramatic right now to even be vague about it.

So here is the number one item on my Christmas wish list:

If you think this is a joke, then you are terribly wrong about me.
All I can think about is all the high kicks I would do in this garment. The poses are limitless.
If you want to order one for me and my 3 roommates, here's a link catsuit!. It has really positive customer reviews including "My school wants to make these the gym uniform! These are hot."
I would of course wear it while riding my bike in the winter, but really it just needs some cat ears.

There is a creature living in our crawl space. We've been hanging out with it for some time now. I am pretty sure I just heard it crawl into the cage that Animal Control gave us, eat the bait, have a struggle and some squeaks, and exit. EXIT! But I didn't hear it scurry away. So maybe Aidy is right about it, and it fainted.

the muddy river flowin' through my veins

2008-11-27T18:19:00.000-08:00

Riding a bus from midnight to 5:30 am, unable to fall asleep due to my broken seat and large man squeezed next to me pushing me into the aisle, balancing my body so I won't fall over, I am incredibly grateful to be in my parents' house. To use the same computer I used at 15 to dramatically pound out epics. To look out the window to see the forest for the trees. To see the stars. And those chickens. Ah, those chickens.
I never forget that I love Missouri. But I do forget how much I miss it. My extended family asks when I'm moving to New York (or L.A.? Well...) while I think of ways to come back to stay in the woods and write and play music. My little brother and sister are becoming really great musicians, not to mention my father. Family band, yes please.

Tomorrow I'm playing a show with Mario. It's going to feel really good.

I forget about this part of myself.
I forget about many parts of myself.
I was looking for an escape and this is just what I needed.

ne me quitte pas

2008-11-13T16:37:00.000-08:00

Suitcase Swimmers

2008-10-29T12:10:00.000-07:00

Ahhh!

Busy days full of freezing fingers and broken bike chains thanks to getting rear-ended and welcome back to america, my darling and everything is different but you remind me of the best parts of me hidden somewhere inside.
"Oh, there you are."

I am about to vote for the President. If you asked me at age 12, "Did you know the first time you ever vote for a president, you'll have to do it early because you'll be filming a movie all day the real election day?" I would looked at you for half a second and answered, "Well, duh." If you would have asked me that at 20, I would have looked at you for half a second and said, "Yeah right."

On set for eleven to twelve hours for seven days wearing a wedding dress and crawling around. Yes please!

I am filled with hope for many reasons. The biggest one is our next President. Ah!

And suddenly I'm ready for the winter.

Song for the New Breed

2008-10-26T16:30:00.000-07:00

There is something very terrifying in stopping into a party at a house you used to party at, overflowing people you casually partied alongside and realizing it may as well still be three years ago because everyone is in the exact same place, talking the exact same bullshit and believing it and in it.
Still more terrifying is realizing that if your partying alongside was more than casual or more frequent or never ended three years ago, you could be in the same place with same bullshit and believing it all the same.
And so you're thankful in your terror until the most terrifying realization:
You still could be, still might be one of those people in the exact same place with the exact bullshit being pulled, but believing it and in it much more fervently with more than a dash of denial.

You know it's time that we grow old and do some shit.

blindsided

2008-10-22T13:04:00.000-07:00

Organizing digital files will cause a tidal wave of nostalgia. You will be knocked down.
But when you get back up, despite wet cheeks, you will be smiling.

We were bravest at 17 and our angst was accurate.
We were craziest at 18 and didn't dress as well as we thought.
At 19 I believed in everything despite February and destroyed even more when I was 20.
I'm still posing at 21 and feeling frantic.

If only sounds could be translated into letters, then this would all make sense.

I only write country western songs, ok?

tell me at least six things you may or may not consider personal

2008-10-08T09:34:00.000-07:00

August was a steady month of early bedtimes.
Suddenly it's October and I'm always tired.

I should be writing some of this down.

Readings around town, sticky dance floors, theme nights, Three Penny Opera, screaming at the wind
Songs about poltergeists, free chocolate pudding, $5 pitchers, open mic sing-a-longs and stolen statues of David
A leak in your sun roof, knee high socks, watching a biker get hit in slow motion and pulling his bent bicycle out of a puddle
Fat tires, McCain-as-goblin, fancy wine at your friend's bougie job, wondering if you really like me all that much or if I'm just used to being loved more than anything else in this world...

I'm best at beginnings.
Yeah?

I'm not talking about jet ski accidents.

the first song

2008-09-25T13:53:00.001-07:00

ladies ladies ladies.
lady.

my io team was cut and then about half was put back together with the same coach.
i am not included.
so of course, i research grad schools.
as if that theatre is the end all be all and as if improv is what i came here to do anyway.
oh.

once again in flux.
been trying out new beers and old fears.

wish me well

2008-09-16T18:57:00.000-07:00

because all the coffee shops close at 9 except the one i went to today around 5
i'm sitting in the square stealing internet and watching a man in well-ironed pants drag the fountain for change
rather than believing he is stealing wishes, i chose to believe that he is taking each coin to his magic fortress where he will read each coin for their throwers' secrets and then personally see to it that every last desire comes true

i hope that everyone was very careful with what they wished for
myself included

there is a place

2008-08-26T19:24:00.000-07:00

asses in the air
woodland creatures, high salute
all we could have been

all souls rising

2008-08-24T21:52:00.000-07:00

there is a time when you know everything is actually going to be ok after all, and yes of course,
did you really believe otherwise?
your everyday life includes playing with babies, writing down stage directions, creating new people and worlds, making meals while havin' a chat and a laugh. you sit next to your best friend at the symphony and become overwhelmed with the beauty of it all that your face has tears rolling into the corners of your smile. you decide you will hold this hand through the overcrowded sweaty room and you remember how friends are so precious at all times. you realize your baby brother and sister are 14 years old in just a few hours and they are utterly invincible and perfect. your neighborhood is full of children shouting with glee and old women yelling in other languages, and yet it still becomes so silent that you recall your heart, the actual organ, and it feels strong and useful.

the pain you've felt that you thought would never end is complete.
the humming ache you've lived with you now have maybe outlasted.
when your body hits the sheets you feel relief but not because the day is over, but because it happened.

and you say really ridiculous things that can be put on greeting cards and still mean them.
but there's a reason cliches exist and old-time remedies are still used.

we were sparkling

2008-08-08T19:14:00.000-07:00

1. i turned 21
2. i moved
3. i had three wise teeth pulled outta me

and i love everything.
it's true.

track 08

2008-07-12T23:10:00.000-07:00

slowly but surely
things will fall into place
or at least another dollar will fall into the mason jar

today i performed in the kids' show that i'm obsessed with, went to banjo lessons, plunked along in a bluegrass jam at the folks & roots festival, talked to my sister about the 16 year-olds in love with her and then baby-sat my little tumbler girl along with a 6 month old that smiles constantly, even when he rubs his tired, soft head into your shoulder.

i am nostalgic for my recent past but mostly for my upcoming future.
taking premature nostalgia to a new level.

p.s. matthew pryor does kid music in a band called the terrible twos. i am happy.
p.p.s. only a few more weeks of drunken cub-fan strangers on my window ledge. i am so happy.
p.p.p.s i want so many things. none of them material, at least not in the possession sense. material as in they're very real.

Plans Get Complex

2008-07-02T16:04:00.000-07:00

After a trip back to ole' St. Louis, I am in a panic. Very soon I will begin the seemingly never-ending road to paying back my student loans...while trying to "make it" as an actor. I am in such a panic that after riding my bike downtown to shoot a pilot and then getting a flat on the way back, I cried on the street in front of strangers. Shameless. Not only was I crying, my hair was matted and soaked because I decided for the second time since I bought my helmet in December that I should actually wear it. You know, wear your BMX helmet with no ventilation on a 90 degree day. Not only was my sweat-wet hair matted to my impossibly pink face (pink not from crying, but from heat and exercise because my skin is transparent) that had tears streaming down it, those tears were making beautiful rivets down my dirty cheeks thanks to the crowded and filthy streets of Chicago (enhanced by Taste).
I am in such a panic that I have been sitting in my very dark (even though the sun is still out) studio, surrounded by clean clothes yet to be put away, topless. And not in a cool way. Not like, woah I still love living alone and I love to be naked woahbabesville. I am without a shirt because after taking off my sweat-drenched tee, I couldn't muster up the will to put on another. Panic, or pathetic?
I don't know how I will pay my bills. I don't know when they will be completely paid. I am sure I will have to consolidate them.
It's terrifying and almost debilitating.
But not completely debilitating and actually almost motivating.
Like, get the hell off your computer and send some resumes or write a play or something!anything! you lazy fool.

One day I will play a person struggling to make their dreams come true. I will be paid a ridiculous amount for this role, and critics will hail my heart-wrenching performance and truthful nuance. I will just take my sisters out to lunch, knowing all the while as we drink $18 cocktails that I simply played a less neurotic version of me at 20.

fell down the stairs

2008-06-22T23:34:00.000-07:00

Today I stared too long at my veins on my wrists and became very dizzy. I was looking at them to prove to a friend that skin can be incredibly see-through and my wrists and palms are proof. After the onset of the wooziness, my jugular was throbbing and I had to lie down. As a child I wasn't able to watch E.R. when they did surgeries, but today was my first encounter with a fear of my own body.

In the audience at an improv show, I was approached directly and asked, "When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?"
I almost lied and said, "A doctor."
I answered, "A baseball player."
That's a lie, too. But I'm a good liar.
I've always planned on becoming an actress. Occassionally I would add something to that occupation. Kindergarten Kimber was going to be a ballerina actress. In 1992, I wanted to be a figure skater and an actress. In second grade we did reports on careers (complete with decorated shoe boxes displaying facts on all sides) and mine was on writers and actors. Come '96 and I was going to be a gymnast and an actress. Mr. Harrington video taped me on the last day of 5th grade saying I planned on becoming a writer, dancer, choreographer, singer and actress. The plan hasn't changed too much since. Today while packing it really hit me how lucky I am to be able to really, truly pursue my dream. And how lucky I am to have such incredibly supportive parents.

My mom wanted me to be a doctor. Even while I would squirm and pull a blanket over my head when Noah Wiley or George Clooney sliced someone open, my mom was sure I could become a wonderful doctor. I always tested well in math and science, and I actually like both, so why not? Sometime after freshmen year of high school, my parents realized acting wasn't just a childhood fantasy but that I could actually go to school for it (a very bizarre concept to family and friends...acting college). While they were supportive before then, letting me be in acting classes and do drama day camp, in high school they really rallied around me. I went to New York and then Chicago to audition for schools. I ended up moving to Chicago, dropping my writing double major in order to graduate in 3 years (or else!!!) and now I'm here, living the dream basically. Or trying to. And despite all the fights about money I've had with my parents (now with less of my fits; I've become last dramatic while studing drama, to their relief), they have never stopped supporting me. Financially as well.
So. Now...
So now the time comes where I am no longer financially supported by my parents. But I feel ok. Somewhat. A little dizzy, but that can be attributed to other things. A fear of my body perhaps. A fear in the knowledge that I am actually pursuing my dreams full force with the greatest amount of support and love imaginable.
Thanks Mom and Dad.

Crystal Country

2008-06-09T12:13:00.001-07:00

Everything must break to be beautiful
and, honey,
that's what I meant when I called and said,

"This is fucked."

When Push Comes to Love

2008-06-08T02:07:00.000-07:00

I am a worthy human being.

I am not a piece of a shit.

I am honest and open and passionate and courageous and caring and
have people in my life that I love and love me back.

(Just in case I forgot.)

Easy Does It

2008-05-29T12:57:00.000-07:00

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/05/25/magazine/25internet-t.html?pagewanted=1

I think most people who have blogs can identify with this woman in one way or another.
Especially me (oh you know, the girl who has three active blogs, all three orginally created with the intention of being secret-but-public blogs).

p.s. The person who sent me this link orginally is somewhat of a stranger (more of a friend-of-a-friend) and then said, "Oh yeah, I read your blog." I have no idea which one this person was referring to.
My constant state of fear regarding people reading things that I post online in order for people to read is so great that I never update anymore. Charming.

p.p.s. I graduated college. It's not as scary as I thought it would be...yet.

if you find yourself caught in love

2008-04-21T20:35:00.000-07:00

here's a list of things so wonderful they cause me to leap:

1. this weather
2. bike rides at all times
3. hanging out with bunnies and jameson
4. destroyer at logan square auditorium
5. a four mile improvised song with the refrain "and we're walking and our bikes home, walking our bikes home..."
5b! the verses of said song being the sappiest and sexiest verses sang in between bites of fresh 3am dunkin donuts
6. my smart, hilarious, brilliant and beautiful girlfriends
7. parks
8. hogwash, hindenburg, here we are
9. home cooked meals
10. oh you know, life in general

bless this meal before someone gets sick off of what they didn't kill

2008-04-08T21:11:00.000-07:00

so yeah.
things on my plate include 20 credit hours, two improv teams, two one acts, one senior showcase and a million final performances and portfolio pieces. and three pizza pieces.
difficult to swallow, much less digest.

but!
the world looks like blueberry compote (on a grilled cheese made with brie). so ok.

what i could stand for

2008-04-01T21:16:00.000-07:00

riding home from rehearsal tonight i fell off my bike. fell off to the side. sideways. and in slow motion.*
the people in the car next to me at the stop light were laughing very hard.
i felt good about the fall and wished i could replicate it.
the girl in the passenger's seat rolled down her window and shouted, "graceful!"

although i am broke, i've been looking for a tandem to purchase.
i bet joe can track stand for hours.
i get three seconds while practicing in the curves parking lot next to my apt after falling over at a stop light.

so i live in a cave.
with a wolff.
and i love it.
(how do i say this? i've always wanted this. what are your weaknesses?)

*my takara doesn't handle a track stand the way my fuji did. or i don't handle a track stand the way i did 8 months ago. i forget that my front wheel will touch my pedal if my right foot is foward, and then i will fall. or my center of balance forgets me, and then i will fall. but still gracefully!

everyone's a VIP to someone

2008-03-18T22:41:00.000-07:00

i am so thankful.
so incredibly thankful that the words that come from my mouth cannot even begin to describe my gratitude.
gratitude to the universe.
thanks, universe.

when people say, "i have never felt this way before."
i usually think "sure, sure, sure." because it seems like such a nice thing to say.
well it is.
but it's even nicer to feel.
and probably more rare.

i have never seen this day before.

how to embrace a swamp creature

2008-03-14T11:42:00.000-07:00

sometimes i am a complete fool.
sometimes i just need a good, hard shake.
put your hands on my shoulders and shake.

yesterday (day being key) was one of the best in a while.
i woke up in time but cuddlefests need to be drawn out, making me late if i want to take the cta.
so i rode my bike (new bottom bracket, thank you).
it was lovely.
after classes, i rode to take care of the dog and then to joe's.
he made me the most delicious dinner.
i am the luckiest person in the world.
i got tipsy-to-almost-drunkish off of two beers.
i rode to io.
had the greatest show my life and hindenburg had it's greatest show as well. (patrick stonelake, "Five out of five stars...")
even played in freeze tag.
then things got a little mucky...but i think they're ok-ish now.

my cough is back and you can hear it rattle in my chest cavity.

it's hard for my mind to comprehend how amazing you are. and you had no help. nobody to shape you into this incredible person...it is simply who you are. while the rest of us had adults chipping away at our marble, helping us form this hopefully beautfiul life, you did a good, hard shake and there you were. with all odds against you and every reason to give up, you emerged with a heart of gold.

i like the way you nod

2008-02-28T09:51:00.000-08:00

this is my second day not going to school.
this is only because when i wake in the morning i cannot breathe.
and today i was just going to take a really hot shower and decongest, but when i took my temperature it was 100.
yuck yuck yuck.
i wonder how much money i wasted in just these last two days by being absent.
yuck yuck yuck.

my boyfriend has been taking care of me, though.
oh what?
a BOYFRIEND?
yeah. pretty crazy.
pretty wonderful.

last night at 2 am,
as i watched his silhouette in the arch of my foyer,
singing destroyer at the top of his lungs,
i realized i was over you.
at least enough for this.

a loose hair falls into a glass of water without ice

2008-02-16T16:35:00.000-08:00

i've been holding my breath when i speak.

remember when we did shit?
i keep saying, "oh wait until june!"
mostly i am saying this to myself as an excuse for why i'm not doing things now.
this things include: sewing, cleaning, writing, writing songs, auditioning, cooking, washing my hair, creating, hanging...
listening. loving.

i would like to be more productive. i make lists and feel as if the making of the list is an accomplishment.
the only time i cross things off is when i write things like lounge aroud, read and drink more hot cider.
god i love hot apple cider.

thursday was bradley's birthday. exactly one year ago today was the last time i will ever speak to him. i would like to think we talked for three hours and i thanked him for opening my mind and seriously changing my life and i told him how i can't imagine how different i would be if he never came into my life and shook the hell out of it. really, i think we talked for twelve minutes and joked about tall tales and my upcoming spring break closet sleeping plans. we both said, "ah, we need to catch up!" i think we said "love ya" at the end. i think. i hope.
i wonder if the world even knows what it's missing out on.

this winter has kind of beat the shit out of me without even giving me a cold.
but it's an exponential improvement from last winter so i really can't complain.

ripchord

2008-02-03T12:08:00.000-08:00

i am selfish.

take him and hold him and love him.

i can't imagine being an only child.
who are we if not our brothers and sisters?

true affection

2008-01-28T19:34:00.000-08:00

OF COURSE!
of fucking course.

Of course when I am in this really great calming place you come and shake it up with possibilities of what I've been saying I want forever.

Oh, and...
Before I moved to Chicago, I had no real perspective of my social/economic class.
Then I somehow became friends with upper middle class to upper class kids.
And once bought a pair of jeans for $60. That would never have happened before.
However, these jeans are my favorite and I've worn them so much that they're getting a hole.
So probably worth it.

But this is what I want:
To not have, to not want, to just make.
To be creating so much that I forget to eat.

And then I spend $200 on school books to help me get a degree in ACTING?!?
(And that was put on a credit card, so it really is money I am borrowing from billionaires.)
Friday I was running a 5 year-old's bday party and they asked me, "Why do you go to college?"
Exactly, kids. Why?

I hate how much I love it.

And in other news I am totally falling for a man (yes, a man) that is amazing and splendid and hilarious and centered and brave and talented and inspiring and beautiful and soft and hard and just about perfect.
So, no. No you cannot come over to my apartment, fake boyfriendz.
Not even you, soul mate.
Soul hate.
(You know I don't mean that.)

"Is every song about a dude?"
"Um, well. Yes."

I stopped drinking coffee and started again and this is evident in all parts of my life.

how fucking romantic

2008-01-14T23:23:00.000-08:00

spooning while watching shortbus, not such a great idea.
(for the record,
i thought it was that film about
autistic people.
not a film
with a lot
A LOT
of fucking.)

the plan,
as i pronounced to my best girls last night after getting calorie drunk on bacci's and ben & jerry's,
was to not fuck,
but talk
maybe make some demands
maybe give us a label.

but then i thought it could actually happened
and
freaked
the
fuck
out.

and thought about the date to art institute i somehow was asked on by an adorable improvisor kid.
and thought about the "hang out or something" that's occuring on friday with dreamboat noise kid.
and thought about a crush/friend coming back from world travels next week and sleeping over.
and thought about the island cruise i'm going on in the spring with an old bf/friend.
and thought about turning 21 and going to barz, and finally meeting ladiez.
and thought about every possible possibility that could ever possibly happen.
and thought about how we shouldn't break up/get back together ever again...that this should be it if it is it at all.

so let's not make it it.

and so i was totally ok with finishing the movie by myself
and thinking that one day we'll be together
(how mang times have we claimed this?)
but for now
we're being young
we're being idiots

the thing is, i would trade everyone for you
i would trade every crush,
every old fling, every current fling, every future fling

but i'm not
i'm being young
i'm being an idiot

i watched shortbus and was horny and thought "yes, exactly."
then i watched antonement and was crying and thought "yes, exactly."

uhhhhhhh!
one day i will stop thinking that there could be something better out there.
but by then i may have found the something better.
or come to terms that he/she doesn't exist.
and that maybe being alone is my personal something better.

"monogamy is for straight people."

you're just as sad as you ever were

2008-01-12T18:42:00.000-08:00

every boy that walks past my shop looks like you.
this is my fault.

before you met me and dated me and loved me you dressed differently.
baggy t-shirts and baggier jeans and puffy skate shoes but i still met you and dated you and loved you.
threats of never again cuddling forced you to try on my jeans and american apparel t-shirts
of bands you didn't listen to.
yet.

now i stretch on my stool because i thought you crossed the street in fitted jeans and a thrifted sweater.
now you text me the favorite words of the favorite song of the favorite album of the favorite time of the favorite relationship.
this is my fault.

because at first i thought you were cocky.
because at first i thought you were obnoxious.
but i still gave you my number.
and you took me to see a play and bought me tea and held my hand.
and you took me to meet your friends at a bar that i eventually would live above.
and you took me to a party and i got sick and you tucked me in.
and i said i wanted to be your girlfriend.

now we both live alone and get lonely and say r e m em be r wh e n. ..
as if it was so long ago.
and it was.
and it isn't.
because it is.

this is my fault.

lady liberty

2008-01-09T13:18:00.000-08:00

i don't know if i have ever said this in all seriousness but...
i should be or could be in a relationship. boy/girlfriend style.

now, finally, should be and could be a good time for me to do so.
the third-wave feminist in me isn't the least bit disgusted by such statements.
after all, i'm practically in one anyway.

or i should/could get a pet.
there is something wrong that i am thinking "one or the other, a pet or a relationship."

i have the opportunity (opporpoonity) to be in a relationship.
this relationship would be great. i like this person. a lot.
except i also like doing what i please when i please. a lot.
and i don't mean this in a hookupsville, usa way. (this is 2008, after all.)
i mean i like hanging out with friends until 4am and not having to answer to anyone but the spider i'm letting live with me.
(he greets me when i come home.
and he scolds. this morning especially.
i swear he moved his front legs atop one another in a shaming motion.
i told him i should/could crush him and he waltzed away. we both know he has the upper hand(s).)

maybe i need a human roommate, a human boy/girlfriend.
i would like to live with a boy/girlfriend, as crazy as that sounds coming from me.
but first i need to get one.
if only the reality was as ideal as the thought.

i should.
i could.
i would?

i have grass-is-greener syndrome.

how strange it is to be anything at all

2008-01-06T23:08:00.000-08:00

i should tell your girlfriend everything.

i have headshots tomorrow and i've been eating like i'm pregnant with twins.
(my little brother and sister are twins, so i know what i'm talking about it.)
i haven't missed my period and i'm a safe sexor, but i keep thinking "what if i am pregnant?"
then i will not have an abortion.
because when i was in st. louis my mom looked me in the face and said, "aren't you glad i'm pro-life?"
because when i was in st. louis i saw juno and thought of my boss trying to conceive but probably adopting instead.
because yesterday i arrived to work very light headed, and my boss asked me if i was pregnant.
and i thought, "maybe." but said, "no."
and then fifteen minutes later she said she saw juno.
and i wonder if she thought the same things i thought when i saw it.

i'm totally a crazy magic wizard believer
and i'm sure i sent all these ideas into the air,
and they floated to chicago and into her heart and mind.

let's face it: that baby would be ridiculously adorable and hilarious.
and most likely a charming con artist.
but i can wait.
i was thinking of turning 21 while in my last trimester.
yeah, i can wait.

safe sex go!

the girls don't care

2007-12-28T20:17:00.001-08:00

My first show at io was last night. The house was so packed that they had to set up rows with folding chairs.
I am a coward but it went well.
I sat in with my friend's team tonight at The Playground. There were a lot of scenes about raping children in parking lots because that is the pinnacle of humor.
Oh, and my mother and 13 year-old sister were members of the audience.
The three of us have been co-existing in my studio and it's going surprisingly well. I like to imagine we live in frontier times because we only sit around and read, knit and play with Play-Doh. If this was the case, the book would be the Bible, the yarn would be hand spun and the Play-Doh would be clay from the creek. (Oh, the yarn is hand-dyed because I am motherfuckinghomemaker.) Also, my sister wouldn't scrunch her hair with L.A. Looks Spray & Hold Gel.
As much as I am enjoying their company, it will be nice to have some solitude. And I need to masterbate, which cannot be done when you are sharing a bed with your mother. And by cannot be done I really mean should not be done. I'm sure some skilled person could take care of business discreetly but I don't have that desire or that focus.

Oh, and Christmas was fantastic. I love my family and I love my pets.

And I especially love the $1 hot spot section at the local Target and driving while listening to Fresh Air.

do what you gotta do

2007-12-16T19:22:00.000-08:00

i have vaseline smeared all over my face like a clown.
these last two days, strangers thought i wished to be a latina 17 year-old because my chapped lips had the appearance of being lined in dark red lip liner. so attractive.

today i worked a lot and cried a lot. while i was crying i also happened to be taking a long walk outside, and by the time i got to cvs (vaseline!) my cheeks had a thin coat of ice on them. i have a small amount of pride in my ability to cry, wipe my eyes and look totally normal. perhaps i have been living in a prideful dream world because everyone in cvs looked at me with a bit of pity. or maybe they thought i was latina. in this neighborhood, i wouldn't doubt it.

speaking of neighborhoods, i made the suggestion to someone that we live together and this person laughed in my face. i still think it's the best idea i've come up with in a long time...even though it was an idea i came up with a long time ago. i still say i want magic all the time but i'm wiser and realize that magic can be hurtful and hard. but worth it. definitely worth it.

vaseline is amazing. i am practically healed. well, my lips are at least. my heart is another story wah wah wahhhh.

horny hippies

2007-11-26T15:38:00.001-08:00

I do not think it is cool or funny or interesting or lucky and especially not becoming to be twenty-something years old and have fucked twenty-something people.

I do not think it is cool or funny or interesting or lucky and especially not becoming to be twenty and have already been in love twenty times. And by twenty times I mean have fallen in love over and over with the same person, twenty different times.

I never sleep. Unless it's with my friends.
Take that as you will. You're probably right but you're always wrong.

shoot the sexual athlete

2007-10-03T22:25:00.000-07:00

i have been giving hand jobs recently.
i have never given hand jobs, at least not to completion. and you know what i mean by completion.
i imagine he is thinking of boys while i am squeezing and rubbing his dick until he orgasms.
i am falling alseep usually.
i would rather be doing something else. fucking. reading. knitting. folding origami.
i am ambidextrious when it comes to hand jobs. this is something i could have gone my whole life without knowing.

hand jobs are hilarious when you really think about it. or even when you don't really think about it.

mirrors & fevers

2007-08-05T23:21:00.000-07:00

don't be frightened of turning the page

it is only skin

2007-05-29T00:27:00.000-07:00

If I feel no superficial pain, does it justify the intensity of the hurt inside? Can I ascribe importance to my pain and rank it amongst the pain of others? Is this an everlasting pain, always humming in the hollows of my chest? Why am I able to numb myself on the outside but still shocked by the ache within?

science vs. romance

2007-04-24T22:04:00.000-07:00

i'm feeling uncertain.
i can't give up london.
i want to know if anything i'm doing now will amount to something.

my nasal passages are clogged.

1234

2007-04-15T22:16:00.000-07:00

all i do is quote shakespeare.
she thinks i'm boy crazy but really i'm just trying to get my mind off you.
this is why i don't let my guard down easily.
more cunning to be strange...i should have been strange, i must confess.

i am an engine

2007-04-05T17:15:00.000-07:00

there are a lot of things i need to do by monday, something i needed to do a year ago, some things i needed to do a decade ago.
fuck.
i'm never going to be completely ok, am i?
no one is ever going to be ok but at least we're faking so well.

"i'm gonna be free. and i'm gonna be brave. i'm gonna live each day as if it were my last. fantastically. courageously. with grace. and in the dark of the night, and it does get dark, when i call a name, it'll be your name. let's go everywhere even though we're scared, 'cause it's life and it's happening. it's really really happening. right now."

but then you have those moments where all you want is to float away forever.

and it has nothing to do with friends betraying you, with your true love moving on, with being in debt, with your parents' threats...or maybe it has to do with all of that. because you've been working so hard to just wake up and walk around like everybody else. you don't know how you've done it for so long and continue to do, but you do. and if you fuck up here and there then ok. but no, nobody thinks it's ok. there's all the expectations and most of them you started yourself.

but the minutes keep ticking by and sitting on couch crying so loud your neighbors can hear you through the wall, well, that's not going to do you any good. there are a lot of things you need to do by monday.

winter wooskie

2007-03-06T21:40:00.000-08:00

1. The second I get home I want to put on a pajama set....even if it's not nearly bedtime.
2. My love for theater is immeasurable and completely disgusting.
3. Tonight I found out Shakespeare isn't rehearsing over spring break, and suddenly I don't know how to feel.
4. Perhaps I should look into being more careful with human hearts.

two exclaimation points (!!)

2007-03-05T22:02:00.000-08:00

Mondays I only have one class at 3:30, and Aidy doesn't have class at all, so we usually try to go to the laundromat. When I say try, I really mean we sit around watching crime shows, talking about how we need to do laundry. We were both at the breaking point (I had to borrow socks from her) so we packed our clothes up and went to SpinCycle...only to find that it is forever closed! We turned around and walked to a place we'd seen in passing but never tried. Not only is this other laundromat much closer to our apartment than SpinCyle, it's also much cheaper and didn't have a single creep in it (SpinCycle was swarming). Then we ate a local establishment and there were a total of EIGHT!! babies in there with us. Obviously we are in love.

And yes, that's how we transport our laundry. Babez.

Also, Aidy's Level 4 performance was tonight and I was so proud. Everyone was obsessed with her.

Oh, and my life is still in limbo because I can't decide if I'm switching to directing or sticking with acting with a minor in costume or fiction writing. Someone get me a crystal ball.

your mother would cry if only she could

2007-03-04T22:04:00.001-08:00

Today things seemed more hopeful. The sun was shining for longer than usual, and I didn't feel as though happiness was a chore. I heard a baby's laughter on the bus and life dared to make sense for a moment.

This all sounds so melodramatic. Well, it is.