true affection

OF COURSE!
of fucking course.

Of course when I am in this really great calming place you come and shake it up with possibilities of what I've been saying I want forever.

Oh, and...
Before I moved to Chicago, I had no real perspective of my social/economic class.
Then I somehow became friends with upper middle class to upper class kids.
And once bought a pair of jeans for $60. That would never have happened before.
However, these jeans are my favorite and I've worn them so much that they're getting a hole.
So probably worth it.

But this is what I want:
To not have, to not want, to just make.
To be creating so much that I forget to eat.

And then I spend $200 on school books to help me get a degree in ACTING?!?
(And that was put on a credit card, so it really is money I am borrowing from billionaires.)
Friday I was running a 5 year-old's bday party and they asked me, "Why do you go to college?"
Exactly, kids. Why?

I hate how much I love it.


And in other news I am totally falling for a man (yes, a man) that is amazing and splendid and hilarious and centered and brave and talented and inspiring and beautiful and soft and hard and just about perfect.
So, no. No you cannot come over to my apartment, fake boyfriendz.
Not even you, soul mate.
Soul hate.
(You know I don't mean that.)


"Is every song about a dude?"
"Um, well. Yes."

I stopped drinking coffee and started again and this is evident in all parts of my life.

how fucking romantic

spooning while watching shortbus, not such a great idea.
(for the record,
i thought it was that film about
autistic people.
not a film
with a lot
A LOT
of fucking.)


the plan,
as i pronounced to my best girls last night after getting calorie drunk on bacci's and ben & jerry's,
was to not fuck,
but talk
maybe make some demands
maybe give us a label.

but then i thought it could actually happened
and
freaked
the
fuck
out.

and thought about the date to art institute i somehow was asked on by an adorable improvisor kid.
and thought about the "hang out or something" that's occuring on friday with dreamboat noise kid.
and thought about a crush/friend coming back from world travels next week and sleeping over.
and thought about the island cruise i'm going on in the spring with an old bf/friend.
and thought about turning 21 and going to barz, and finally meeting ladiez.
and thought about every possible possibility that could ever possibly happen.
and thought about how we shouldn't break up/get back together ever again...that this should be it if it is it at all.

so let's not make it it.

and so i was totally ok with finishing the movie by myself
and thinking that one day we'll be together
(how mang times have we claimed this?)
but for now
we're being young
we're being idiots


the thing is, i would trade everyone for you
i would trade every crush,
every old fling, every current fling, every future fling

but i'm not
i'm being young
i'm being an idiot

i watched shortbus and was horny and thought "yes, exactly."
then i watched antonement and was crying and thought "yes, exactly."

uhhhhhhh!
one day i will stop thinking that there could be something better out there.
but by then i may have found the something better.
or come to terms that he/she doesn't exist.
and that maybe being alone is my personal something better.

"monogamy is for straight people."

you're just as sad as you ever were

every boy that walks past my shop looks like you.
this is my fault.

before you met me and dated me and loved me you dressed differently.
baggy t-shirts and baggier jeans and puffy skate shoes but i still met you and dated you and loved you.
threats of never again cuddling forced you to try on my jeans and american apparel t-shirts
of bands you didn't listen to.
yet.

now i stretch on my stool because i thought you crossed the street in fitted jeans and a thrifted sweater.
now you text me the favorite words of the favorite song of the favorite album of the favorite time of the favorite relationship.
this is my fault.

because at first i thought you were cocky.
because at first i thought you were obnoxious.
but i still gave you my number.
and you took me to see a play and bought me tea and held my hand.
and you took me to meet your friends at a bar that i eventually would live above.
and you took me to a party and i got sick and you tucked me in.
and i said i wanted to be your girlfriend.

now we both live alone and get lonely and say r e m em be r wh e n. ..
as if it was so long ago.
and it was.
and it isn't.
because it is.

this is my fault.

lady liberty

i don't know if i have ever said this in all seriousness but...
i should be or could be in a relationship. boy/girlfriend style.

now, finally, should be and could be a good time for me to do so.
the third-wave feminist in me isn't the least bit disgusted by such statements.
after all, i'm practically in one anyway.

or i should/could get a pet.
there is something wrong that i am thinking "one or the other, a pet or a relationship."

i have the opportunity (opporpoonity) to be in a relationship.
this relationship would be great. i like this person. a lot.
except i also like doing what i please when i please. a lot.
and i don't mean this in a hookupsville, usa way. (this is 2008, after all.)
i mean i like hanging out with friends until 4am and not having to answer to anyone but the spider i'm letting live with me.
(he greets me when i come home.
and he scolds. this morning especially.
i swear he moved his front legs atop one another in a shaming motion.
i told him i should/could crush him and he waltzed away. we both know he has the upper hand(s).)

maybe i need a human roommate, a human boy/girlfriend.
i would like to live with a boy/girlfriend, as crazy as that sounds coming from me.
but first i need to get one.
if only the reality was as ideal as the thought.

i should.
i could.
i would?

i have grass-is-greener syndrome.

how strange it is to be anything at all

i should tell your girlfriend everything.

i have headshots tomorrow and i've been eating like i'm pregnant with twins.
(my little brother and sister are twins, so i know what i'm talking about it.)
i haven't missed my period and i'm a safe sexor, but i keep thinking "what if i am pregnant?"
then i will not have an abortion.
because when i was in st. louis my mom looked me in the face and said, "aren't you glad i'm pro-life?"
because when i was in st. louis i saw juno and thought of my boss trying to conceive but probably adopting instead.
because yesterday i arrived to work very light headed, and my boss asked me if i was pregnant.
and i thought, "maybe." but said, "no."
and then fifteen minutes later she said she saw juno.
and i wonder if she thought the same things i thought when i saw it.

i'm totally a crazy magic wizard believer
and i'm sure i sent all these ideas into the air,
and they floated to chicago and into her heart and mind.

let's face it: that baby would be ridiculously adorable and hilarious.
and most likely a charming con artist.
but i can wait.
i was thinking of turning 21 while in my last trimester.
yeah, i can wait.

safe sex go!