the easiest thing for me to do right now: stay in chicago, freeze over, thaw, rinse & repeat

not looking for a scene

November 12, 2008:

How interesting the simplicity in missing someone so much that (your blood flows through your veins in resistance to your resistance to not have this person in your life) you hardly notice how great the longing is.

When you do realize you will be overcome with emotion that you cannot properly title for it's much more than missing, longing, needing. It's sharp and immediate while painstakingly dull and commonplace.

How did you not notice this before? But surely it was always there, stuck to your ribs, padding along the soles of your feet, elongating your exhale ever so slightly.

And when this person enters your life once again (because they must; it is the nature of these palpitating things) you will be washed in a relief that your silent longing was not inappropriate at all, it was perhaps not strong enough for why weren't you so moved to do everything in your power and then some to bring this person back into your life? How were you so content in your longing? And are you satisfied now that the longing is worsening even while in their presence? 

Because the inevitable that was not possible before this moment is drawing near. They will leave again. Yes, again.

July 1, 2009:

Ditto. 

power lines in our bloodlines

you would think that by now i would give up on this self-appointed mission. you would think that i've shed enough tears spontaneously and seemingly unprovoked, often in the presence of strangers, and that i would simply throw in the towel and claim it's for the better, if not the best. yeah, you would think. and maybe hope. but apparently my so-called resiliency has once again gotten the better of me, if not the best.

homecoming

yeah. pretty sure this time. i'm talkin like, eighty-seven percent.

august, i'm on your side

missouri means:

nights in backyards and back decks with fireflies and old friends

early mornings by the lake with my father

harmonizing with my little sister

playing frisbee with my dog

sing-a-longs on the front porch during a humid downpour

fresh eggs from the henhouse

bike rides through the woods

home brewed promises

breathing

laughing

living

loving

leaving? 

this is the first time in four years of chicago when i wasn't ready to return there. 

i love you but i would leave town and expect you to not leave me.

i'm ready but my pockets say otherwise.

you are my favorite part of me.